We watch a lot of TV in the Buckeye house. Well, I watch a lot of TV. And as such, I’ve had to get used to commercials and how to deal with them. Personally, I find many of them funny. My dad has said that while we’re watching football together the commercials have to be muted for the most part. This requires having the remote. Step One: finding it. Not always an easy task, especially since the basement has been refurnished with a couch that has deep, attached cushions. Step Two: Keeping the batteries in. This is a problem for me, because I tend to fidget with remotes to the point where the cover breaks, and we’ve had to get a hairband to keep it attached. We’ve heard rumors that the feds will soon pass a law that the commercials cannot be louder that the loudest point of the show they’re being shown during. What a great law- until then, here’s my Guide to Hip and Lame Commercials.
The first, most lame commercial that comes to mind is the Jared Galleria commercial. There are some commercials that must be just a certain level of annoying that they get the name into people’s head. I can’t help but wonder if Jared crossed the line. I know people who’ve said they will never shop at Jared, simply because they don’t want people to be able to say “He went to Jared.” It’s not that every diamond commercial ticks me off, either, because I really like most Kay commercials (question: how would they say their slogan in another language?). Jared just uses their slogan way too much, culminating in that stupid, “What’s a Thirteen Letter Word for Marriage Proposal?” one and me getting rug-burns diving for the remote before I hear more than three words of it.
Bud Light has a lot of interesting commercials, and I don’t hate all of them. Exception: The one which takes place in the office on Saturday. Guys decide to watch the game and drink beer. You know the one. I’m going to explode with reasons why I hate this one. You’re not going to stay out of trouble drinking at work. And if you do stay out of trouble, it’s not going to be because you’re drinking Bud Light. We get it: Here We Go is a catchy phrase to mean you are going to party. It would be good, but you over-use it. (My dad openly wonders if these commercials sell more beer, or just make it cost more. My guess is the latter.) The finishing touch is that I know the original version of this commercial did not have the Boss yelling “Johnson!” before he gets in and opens a beer. He just came in silently. I know, not only because I remember the first version, but also because it doesn’t even sound like him. Get it right the first time, Bud Light.
But if it wasn’t for good commercials like this next one, I would have lost faith in
humanity television. Or maybe I already have, this just helps me cope better. I’m talking, of course, about the Google TV commercial starring Kevin Bacon as his own biggest fan. Why aren’t people raving about this one? It’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time, and I’m not that big a Kevin Bacon fan. The two best quotes from this one: “Favorite movie of his? That would probably have to be a tie. For all of them.” Also, “My wife says if I watch any more I might turn in to him [grins, shows crossed fingers]”. Now Kevin Bacon gets mad street cred from me for doing this. And he already has a buttload- the man has his own Game named after him. He’s like the Forrest Gump of acting. Speaking of which, it’s time to play: How many degrees does Gump have of Bacon? Answer: Four. Gump played by Hanks who plays Lovell who goes to space with Jack who’s played by Bacon.
And finally, to preface, I’m honestly not in love with all of GEICO’s commercials. They have too many mascots, the caveman was abrasive, the money stack creeped me out (it was also a rug-burner, IYKWIM), and the fake Rod Serling guy is hit or miss. One of his that is a hit with me, though, is The Little Piggy one. I crack up whenever he stops screaming because the mom got his attention and he starts talking like a teenage kid. But it’s great on such a deeper level, too. What did that nursery rhyme mean? This answers so many of those questions. The Little Piggy’s name is Maxwell, he went WEE! because he was riding in a car and pigs don’t often get to ride in cars. They also don’t drive, which is why he had to get a ride home from his friend’s mom. My impression was he was coming home from school, but it also might have been the fair, because he had those pinwheels. Pretty sure I would go Wee-wee-WEE! with those things, too.